I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
