I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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