My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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