I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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