Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
