just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
