Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Randomize