I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
