walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
