Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
