Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
