so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she told me i tasted like america
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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