Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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