Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..