I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night