I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.