Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
