I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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