she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
