It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
