I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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