his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
