margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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