There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
