she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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