I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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