im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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