hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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