I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
