I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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