She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
