if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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