Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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