I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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