Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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