I cannot find my penis.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
