my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
