I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
