I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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