He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
