I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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