oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
