I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
