Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
