So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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