If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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