Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
