Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
