Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize