I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
