No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?