so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
