Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
