Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
