i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
