That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Green mimosas i think yes
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
