Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
