Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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