I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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