I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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